I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
