I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
