WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
