I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
