is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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