the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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