i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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