Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
