You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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