I just pynch a tree in the face
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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