she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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