I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
