She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
