Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
