I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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