last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
