He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
