You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
