I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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