oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
