apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
