Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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