also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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