i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
