If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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