Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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