I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
