he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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