I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
