no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You can't motorboat a personality
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
