I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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