He disabled his match.com account in front of me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
