i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
wakey wakey hands off snakey
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
