Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
