God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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