Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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