'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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