She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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