Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize