Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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