Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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