forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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