How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
whose parrot is this?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
