Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
