I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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