What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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