What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
