Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
