Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
