She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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