Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
