I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
