it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
