I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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