he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
