Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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