Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Boobs are out for the taking
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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