david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
